The Mightiest Sword

I've been discussing this post with a good friend of mine for several days. She just posted her thoughts here. I highly recommend that you read them. I would almost just like to say amen to her post and call it good. Alas, I do have some thoughts of my own to add.

Forgiveness has been weighing heavily on my mind lately. I think it's interesting that both my friend and I found inspiration in Broadway songs. Hers came from Les Miserable and mine, a song entitled "Forgiveness", comes from the musical version of Jane Eyre. The following lines have been on near constant repeat in my head:

Forgiveness is the mightiest sword...
You must never lose faith
You must never lose heart
God will restore your trust
And I know you're afraid
I'm as scared as you are
But willing to be brave
Brave enough for love

Those lines paint so many images in my mind; the image of forgiveness being a sword that restores one's own power, the image of God restoring a person's trust by mending a broken heart, and the image of someone bravely forging ahead to seek love. All are simultaneously compelling and sweet.

Making ourselves vulnerable to pain and disappointment has always been a part of life. I can't say that it's ever been my favorite part, but I think I've always been pretty cognizant that it is an unavoidable and even desirable part of human relationships. I mean what's the point of relationships (and I don't just mean romantic relationships) if no one takes any risks right? And some of the most powerful lessons I have learned in my life have come as a result of that kind of disappointment. I would never trade those lessons, even if I also wouldn't choose to relive the painful bits.

At church on Sunday, I was impressed to get up and bear my testimony. I stood and looked out at the congregation and realized that I had no idea what I was supposed to say. I knew that whatever it was, it had to do w/ forgiveness, but I had no idea how to formulate my feelings into coherent thoughts. Thankfully, I had a printed copy of a talk I had recently read (and re-read, and re-read) by President James E. Faust that expressed what I could not. It's entitled "The Healing Power of Forgiveness". I had listened to it several days before and it could not have been more perfectly what I needed. The link to the entire article is here , but let me just share the part that I read to the congregation.

“'Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves.'

Most of us need time to work through pain and loss. We can find all manner of reasons for postponing forgiveness. One of these reasons is waiting for the wrongdoers to repent before we forgive them. Yet such a delay causes us to forfeit the peace and happiness that could be ours. The folly of rehashing long-past hurts does not bring happiness.

Some hold grudges for a lifetime, unaware that courageously forgiving those who have wronged us is wholesome and therapeutic.

Forgiveness comes more readily when...we have faith in God and trust in His word. Such faith “enables people to withstand the worst of humanity. It also enables people to look beyond themselves. More importantly, it enables them to forgive.”

...If we can find forgiveness in our hearts for those who have caused us hurt and injury, we will rise to a higher level of self-esteem and well-being...Their example of forgiveness is a sublime expression of Christian love."

And so it comes back to the idea of seeking love again. Christ is our ultimate example. He experienced EVERY kind of betrayal, injury, disappointment, loss and sorrow that mankind has ever and will ever have to endure, and still He loves us. One sentiment I expressed in my testimony that I did not fully realize before, was just how far-reaching the act of forgiveness can be in finding that love and in salving our wounds. It's really easy to assume that forgiveness is solely for the transgressor's repentance, but that's only one narrow point of view. I hadn't yet seen how much I needed to forgive not only others, but also to seek forgiveness for myself. And until I could do all of these things, I really was forfeiting my peace and happiness. I kept rehashing. As soon as the wound began to heal, I would pick at it, poke at it, until it began to bleed all over again. And because of that, I became weaker.

I'm not certain that I've fully achieved everything that Pres. Faust talks about, but I know that I am progressing toward it. Right now it is still a constant battle. I have to remind myself daily to forgive. I have to remind myself not to forfeit the peace and happiness of knowing that God loves me and that He loves those who have injured me. I'm working toward that kind of love. I have to plead daily for that kind of humility. Some days I feel like I've found it and others I find that I have to trudge back up that hill a little ways. Some days I wake up and I feel like John Breen, a fifteen-year-old survivor of the pioneer Donner party, when he had finally made it to safety after months of starvation and incredible suffering. The images he creates with his impression of the ranch he came to on that first morning are the most powerful images for me in this very image-laden blog post. "The weather was fine, the ground was covered with green grass, the birds were singing from the tops of the trees, and the journey was over."

I have hope that this particular journey or battle will soon be over, replaced by a great feeling of love. I have faith that I will get to the point when I can see the green grass and hear the birds sing and feel the sun on my face every morning. I believe that God will restore my trust. And ya know what? I am willing to be brave enough for love.