The Mightiest Sword

I've been discussing this post with a good friend of mine for several days. She just posted her thoughts here. I highly recommend that you read them. I would almost just like to say amen to her post and call it good. Alas, I do have some thoughts of my own to add.

Forgiveness has been weighing heavily on my mind lately. I think it's interesting that both my friend and I found inspiration in Broadway songs. Hers came from Les Miserable and mine, a song entitled "Forgiveness", comes from the musical version of Jane Eyre. The following lines have been on near constant repeat in my head:

Forgiveness is the mightiest sword...
You must never lose faith
You must never lose heart
God will restore your trust
And I know you're afraid
I'm as scared as you are
But willing to be brave
Brave enough for love

Those lines paint so many images in my mind; the image of forgiveness being a sword that restores one's own power, the image of God restoring a person's trust by mending a broken heart, and the image of someone bravely forging ahead to seek love. All are simultaneously compelling and sweet.

Making ourselves vulnerable to pain and disappointment has always been a part of life. I can't say that it's ever been my favorite part, but I think I've always been pretty cognizant that it is an unavoidable and even desirable part of human relationships. I mean what's the point of relationships (and I don't just mean romantic relationships) if no one takes any risks right? And some of the most powerful lessons I have learned in my life have come as a result of that kind of disappointment. I would never trade those lessons, even if I also wouldn't choose to relive the painful bits.

At church on Sunday, I was impressed to get up and bear my testimony. I stood and looked out at the congregation and realized that I had no idea what I was supposed to say. I knew that whatever it was, it had to do w/ forgiveness, but I had no idea how to formulate my feelings into coherent thoughts. Thankfully, I had a printed copy of a talk I had recently read (and re-read, and re-read) by President James E. Faust that expressed what I could not. It's entitled "The Healing Power of Forgiveness". I had listened to it several days before and it could not have been more perfectly what I needed. The link to the entire article is here , but let me just share the part that I read to the congregation.

“'Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves.'

Most of us need time to work through pain and loss. We can find all manner of reasons for postponing forgiveness. One of these reasons is waiting for the wrongdoers to repent before we forgive them. Yet such a delay causes us to forfeit the peace and happiness that could be ours. The folly of rehashing long-past hurts does not bring happiness.

Some hold grudges for a lifetime, unaware that courageously forgiving those who have wronged us is wholesome and therapeutic.

Forgiveness comes more readily when...we have faith in God and trust in His word. Such faith “enables people to withstand the worst of humanity. It also enables people to look beyond themselves. More importantly, it enables them to forgive.”

...If we can find forgiveness in our hearts for those who have caused us hurt and injury, we will rise to a higher level of self-esteem and well-being...Their example of forgiveness is a sublime expression of Christian love."

And so it comes back to the idea of seeking love again. Christ is our ultimate example. He experienced EVERY kind of betrayal, injury, disappointment, loss and sorrow that mankind has ever and will ever have to endure, and still He loves us. One sentiment I expressed in my testimony that I did not fully realize before, was just how far-reaching the act of forgiveness can be in finding that love and in salving our wounds. It's really easy to assume that forgiveness is solely for the transgressor's repentance, but that's only one narrow point of view. I hadn't yet seen how much I needed to forgive not only others, but also to seek forgiveness for myself. And until I could do all of these things, I really was forfeiting my peace and happiness. I kept rehashing. As soon as the wound began to heal, I would pick at it, poke at it, until it began to bleed all over again. And because of that, I became weaker.

I'm not certain that I've fully achieved everything that Pres. Faust talks about, but I know that I am progressing toward it. Right now it is still a constant battle. I have to remind myself daily to forgive. I have to remind myself not to forfeit the peace and happiness of knowing that God loves me and that He loves those who have injured me. I'm working toward that kind of love. I have to plead daily for that kind of humility. Some days I feel like I've found it and others I find that I have to trudge back up that hill a little ways. Some days I wake up and I feel like John Breen, a fifteen-year-old survivor of the pioneer Donner party, when he had finally made it to safety after months of starvation and incredible suffering. The images he creates with his impression of the ranch he came to on that first morning are the most powerful images for me in this very image-laden blog post. "The weather was fine, the ground was covered with green grass, the birds were singing from the tops of the trees, and the journey was over."

I have hope that this particular journey or battle will soon be over, replaced by a great feeling of love. I have faith that I will get to the point when I can see the green grass and hear the birds sing and feel the sun on my face every morning. I believe that God will restore my trust. And ya know what? I am willing to be brave enough for love.

A Little Boob-tube Therapy pt. 1

Here is a post that I originally began on 09/29/08. I'll be following this up w/ my current TV therapy. Remember the ones listed below were from 2008. What are some of your favorite shows to unwind to?

Because I'm so busy this semester and dealing w/ a fair amount of stress, I thought I'd detail for you what is, I realize, a very silly post. Trust me - this is purely for therapeutic purposes. Between work, school, homework, internship, my church calling and the stake play, I have very little time to decompress, but when I do, it's usually to the tune of some TV show that I watch online. Come on. You have your own television distractions too, admit it.

Because not every show has premiered yet this season, here are a few of my current distractions...followed by a few of my ongoing distractions.

Psych - If you haven't watched this show yet, it's one you can jump into at any point and still enjoy fully. I haven't found clever, funny, truly laugh out loud writing like this since the early days of Gilmore Girls. In fact, this is kind of like Gilmore Girls for guys....uhhhh, kinda. And it doesn't hurt that Shawn and Gus are equally adorable.

Burn Notice - Another show that is a mere distraction. It's a little deeper than Psych, but still formulaic and simple enough to follow. It's really only slightly weightier material, but still has a good amount of humor. And again...it's led by a pretty face. Are you seeing a trend here? Hey, it's my therapy, okay?

Chuck - Yet another light-weight show, centering around an average guy caught up in above average circumstances. Dialogue isn't as clever as other shows like Psych, but the characters, twists, and ultimately the actors keep me coming back for more. Plus, it's got a lot of humor and it's relatively innocent - which is refreshing w/ all the trash on TV right now. And yeah, you guessed it. THIS is another big draw for me. (I mean, for the LOVE! Wow, he's a beautiful boy!) So I have a thing for tall, lerpy, brunettes, okay?

The Office - Classic. Season 5 has just started, but it's already off to a great start! Humor and silliness abounds.

Heroes - (Insert added 2011. I have no idea what I would have written here three years ago, but I think I was on my way out with this show. Heroes had a BRILLIANT first season, followed by an alright second season aaaaand then it rapidly spiraled out of control. I went back to reacquaint myself w/ Season 3 from 2008 and I don't remember much at all, so I'm guessing this is about the time I jumped ship. Such a great idea. So convoluted and ugggggghhhhh. Enough said.)

Pushing Daisies (I bought Season 1 on DVD and I've been enjoying every last bite - of the show and of this guy. Sigh. Oh, and the new season premieres this week.) [Insert added 2011 - Adorable, light and joyous show. Unfortunately, it jumped the shark in season 2 and was thusly canceled.]

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles (Insert added 2011. I know, I know. It's just what you think it is and it is admittedly both more intriguing than you might expect and just as cheesy as you might expect. The show ended getting canceled early. Go figure.)

Eureka (A perfectly enjoyable diversion, without a lot of complicated plot developments. It's both humorous and sweet. This is definitely geeky, quirky, clean, and funny. While it's got plenty of deaths, the show always seems to end on a positive note.)

Battlestar Galactica - (Insert added 2011. I'm just saying if you haven't watched this show....whoa. Okay, this is NOT for everyone. It has some VERY racy scenes that I highly recommend you fast forward or watch on a clean flick dvd player, but it also has some really deep correlations to the gospel. So this is a remake of that incredibly cheesy 70s/80s TV series and creator of the original show was (not sure if he still is) a member of the LDS church. So some of the mythology surrounding the show is kind of awesomely steeped in Latter-day Saint theology. Also, for those afraid of science fiction, rest assured that this is very light on the "beep-boop" components so prevalent in many ridiculous science fiction shows. So yeah. It's kind of great...aside from the icky sex scenes. Justification much? Hmph.)

Lost - (Insert added 2011. Do I really need to say anything about this show? Well, I could, but so much has already been said about it that I just don't feel that I need to make my own contribution. Suffice it to say I love the show. I'm still not sure how I feel about the way it all ended, but I'm really glad that it did. It was betimes simultaneously brilliant and incredibly frustrating, but I have a soft spot in my heart for it all the same.)

Never Forget

Ten years ago I was in German class at BYU where my teacher was trying to explain the terrorist attack on the World Trade Center in German. I remember being confused because I didn't fully understand the vocabulary she was using and even when she drew pictures on the board of the twin towers and airplanes, I was still confused. I hadn't been listening to the news or anything before going to class that morning. A classmate in front of me turned around and explained what had happened to me in English. Directly after this class, I was scheduled to attend Russian, but classes were suspended. My classmate and I went to a media center in the JKHB (as it was) and immediately tuned into the news. We watched as the towers fell in complete shock. I believe I was in such shock that I don't really remember feeling anything. Although most of that day was a blur, I can still remember that I went to work at the MTC that day and told my elders about what had been going on. The mother of one of my elders was a flight attendant and he had no idea where she was at that moment. He was understandably concerned. Thankfully, we later learned that she was alright. I don't remember much else, but I do remember ending up at home and sitting for hours in front of the television watching the coverage of the attacks. It wasn't until that point that I learned that there had been separate attacks on the Pentagon and the crash of United Airlines Flight 93 crash in Pennsylvania and the gravity of what had happened that day began to sink in. It wasn't until that point that the tears started flowing. Days later I had reached maximum saturation from being glued to the television coverage of the attack.

Certainly this experience affected me profoundly. Initially it created an enormous sense of fear and uncertainty, even living in far away Utah, and I felt heartbreak for those who had died or been injured and all of their families. Ultimately it engendered a deep feeling of pride in the way the nation came together. Never before had I experienced such a swelling of respect and pride for the United States of America. Say what you will about President George W. Bush and his administration, but I was and am so grateful for the way he led our country in the days surrounding this tragedy. In the years since 2001, I have gained an even greater respect for the men and women working to defend our freedom and protect our country. May Heavenly Father continue to bless them and bring them home safely.

Now living in the DC area, observing the 10th anniversary of such a terrible day is even more poignant. I love living here. I love feeling that same sense of unity with my fellow citizens when walking around DC on any given day, but especially during this significant anniversary. Some have asked if I feel frightened living here when this area is under such heightened security from more terror threats, but as odd as this might be, I have never felt safer. Considering the heightened awareness and precautions (near the Pentagon, the police were pulling over and inspecting all semi-trucks), I feel like there really isn't a safer place I could be. Where were you on 9/11/2001? What are your thoughts as we remember 10 years later?

I pray for the protection of my brothers and sisters defending our freedoms. I pray that we might seek peace and understanding instead of greater division and hatred. I'll let Tiny Tim take us out with his Christmas wish, "God bless us, every one!"

Happy Anniversary!

Okay, so here is the oldest of my un-posted, unfinished entries. This was dated 9/9/08 and is now almost exactly three years old. My how time flies. I find it funny that I didn't just go ahead and post it as is. I mean, I know that I really wanted to find some significant highlights to include for each year and possibly include some pictures, but come on Christina. Hmph. Also, I just realized that I have none of my mission pictures in digital format, so I wouldn't have been able to include them anyway. Hmmm, new project to look forward to, perhaps? Anyway, I don't know if this one is terribly exciting, but enjoy it anyway!

It has been ten years since the day I entered the MTC to serve a mission. Weird. Am I really that old? Piffle. Ooo. I just said piffle. Dangit, I guess I really am that old. Sigh. Well, Happy Anniversary, Rachelle and Heather (my two MTC companions), wherever you may be today!

Here are few highlights of the last 10 years of my life:

1998:

• Completed 1st semester at BYU after transferring from Ricks College - most miserable semester of my life.
  
• Submitted mission application and waited 7 weeks to receive mission call
• Learned I was going to the Lithuania Vilnius Mission, Latvian-speaking
• September 9, 1998 entered the MTC in Provo, UT, where I learned the language, the gospel and how hard missionary work was going to be
  
• November 11, 1998 arrived in Latvia - didn't understand very much
• 1st Christmas in Latvia filled w/ lots of new traditions, songs and food. Not long after, I threw up on a trolleybus. (One of my favorite stories...remind me to tell you about it sometime.)
  

1999:

• First baptism in February of 1998 - Trainer, Sister Jamison, and I witnessed two young girls (Kristīne Baradovska & Liene Meiere) and an older lady (Lidija Tarabukina) that we had taught, join The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, through the waters of baptism.
• Learned A LOT of Latvian and continued teaching myself Latvian Sign Language from a small picture dictionary. Began to interpret for the Deaf family in the branch in Rīga (Bērgmaņi).
• Witnessed several more baptisms from teaching - many of them resulting from 6 week companionship w/ Rachelle: Sanita Janovska, Skaidrīte Bokuma, Evita Janovska, Dzintra Leonoviča.
  

2000:

• Witnessed several more baptisms: Hildegarde Brauna, Anda Saulīte, Zane Finstere, & Santa Lieģe. A couple that happened after I went home were Aija Vismiņa and Antra Gundarina.
  
• Returned home honorably from serving in Latvia.
• Began teaching at the MTC and started back at BYU again in the Linguistics program.
  

2001:

• Returned to Latvia with my former companion, Rachelle. We visited all of our wonderful Latvian friends. We met up with another former missionary, Kelly Draper, rented a car and drove up to Tallin, Estonia to see what they had to offer. Gorgeous medieval town with very nice people! We also attended the Latvian Song and Dance Festival that only happens once every 5 years. This was one of the most amazing concerts that I've ever attended (or series of concerts, I should say). We got to see our friend Agrita and a few others perform in that massive, massive gathering. I also got to hear Vaira Vīķe-Freiberga speak. I kind of thought that was cool, since she was the first female president of Latvia and the first female leader in Eastern Europe.
  

2002:

• I volunteered to help with the Olympic Winter Games in Salt Lake City. I worked with the Latvian team, but mostly just hung out in the Olympic Village chatting it up w/ some of the managers of the hockey team or wandering around trading pins w/ other teams. I did, however, get to go see the bobsleigh team compete. That was exciting for the first 12 seconds, which is about all I saw from our position at the beginning of the track. But hey, I was THERE!
  

2003:

• Graduated from BYU w/ a Bachelor of Arts in Linguistics, Minor in TESOL.
• Began working full-time at the Harold B. Lee Library at BYU as the Humanities Department Assistant. So many good memories here!
  

2004:

• I got engaged and unengaged.
• I'm sure there were some other significant things that happened this year, but I can't recall what they are at the moment.
  

2005:

• I traveled with two of my best friends Marin and Andrea to NYC, Paris, London, Venice, and Florence. It was a truly glorious trip! Too many adventures to name...girls, you know what we did. :)
  

2006:

• Applied and got accepted George Mason University to start Masters program
• Moved across the country to Alexandria, VA to begin a Masters program in Folklore at George Mason University.
  

2007:

• I bought my first new car that wasn't a pimped out Nissan Sentra. Woot! Love my Toyota Corolla!
  

2008:

• Traveled to Puerto Rico w/ some awesome friends and had some great adventures in spite of the fact that all of our planned activities were foiled by a tropical storm. So instead of swimming in the bio luminescent bay, we rented a van and drove around trying to find beaches that weren't too treacherous to hang out on, all the while singing Disney songs at the tops of our lungs.
  

An Exercise in Humility

Do not adjust your computer screen. I'm actually posting something to my blog. I know. I nearly had a heart attack too. I was just discussing blogs w/ a friend of mine who is a successful blogger. Not only is his blog interesting and varied, but he's consistent with his follow-through. Impressive. Maybe that's not so impressive to you, but to me? I'm obviously not as good at that part. So when he was asked whether I had a blog, I shamefully hung my head and mumbled (or I would have mumbled if we had been speaking face to face), "I have a blog but haven't written in years." As it turns out, it's only been like a year and a half, but still. He felt that I'd write interesting things. Very flattering. I explained that I often have these ideas for something interesting and I'll start writing a post, but because I want it to be perfect, perfect, perfect, I stall...and then it never gets posted. This got me thinking. Maybe I should just take all the posts I've already started and post them as is - as an act in humility.

Heh. I just went back and read through my unposted entries. This could be kind of fun. So. Prepare yourselves. I'll make sure to include when the post would have originally been published. I may also add a little something, but for the most part, I'm going to try not to alter the original state in which it currently resides. And as an act in consistency, I'm going to start out with posting one/week, unless I feel inclined to post more than that. I'm going to commit to the weekly post and then go from there, k? K.